Drained

It’s been almost a month since we laid my Godfather and Uncle to rest. It was difficult. Of course I didn’t expect it to be easy, death and funerals never are, but this one was really tough.

I haven’t written much since delivering my eulogy (you can listen to it here). Writing notes, reflecting, and ultimately delivering that eulogy drained me. It pulled out all the emotion and put it into spoken word. I’m a bit numb, but then I’ve been numb since Jan of 2017 when my world went upside down. I have cried and hurt so much I don’t know how much more I can deal with. The pain has approached insurmountable. The words struggle to come to me. Perhaps I just need a few days, but I’m worried that days will become weeks, and weeks will become months.

I worked my last day for Gilead 6 weeks ago and it’s flown past. I’ve gotten a few things done, but not nearly what I hoped to get accomplished.. I finally got to the gym which was a step in the right direction. I’ve also managed to knock out a few projects at home which has eased my stress of looking at the chaos.

On the flip side last Friday we recorded the first episode of a podcast. It was just practice and honestly I was pleased with how smooth it went for a trial run. I’ve wanted to pursue that for a long time and it felt good to get the ball rolling. I feel like it was the small victory I needed to get things started rolling for the better.

I guess each day that is a step in the right direction is a good thing. I’ll just get up tomorrow and do it again. Carry on.